Oct 16, 2009

Levels, wood, bladders, etc.

Kramer has had more than a few hair brained schemes. Here are a few, as well as some additional quotes:

  • The Beach cologne:

    Kramer: You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.
    Jerry: A cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, but that's not a bad idea.

  • Wood:

    Kramer: Well, I'm staining my floors and, y'know, I don't want to get my hands dirty.
    George: What, the whole apartment?
    Kramer: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry...wood.

  • Make your own pizza restaurant: (appears in season 1, and not again until season 6 - nice)

    Kramer: It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven.

  • Bladder system:

    Kramer: Well, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.
    Jerry: Alright, it’s time to go.
    Kramer: Jerry, it’s not for people, it’s for oil tankers. You see the idea is for a rubber ball inside the tanker so if it crashes, the oil won’t spill out.

  • The Levels:

    Jerry: What are you doing?
    Kramer: Levels.
    Jerry: Levels?
    Kramer: Yeah, I'm getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And I'm going to build these different levels, with steps, and it'll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt.

  • 10 cent MI bottle deposit:

    Kramer: A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent!
    Newman: We carry a couple of bags of mail, and the rest is ours!
    Kramer: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!

    A few other not fully realized schemes, but amazing ideas nonetheless:

    Kramer: You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
    Jerry: So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
    Kramer: It's just a write off for them.
    Jerry: How is it a write off?
    Kramer: They just write it off.
    Jerry: Write it off what?
    Kramer: Jerry all these big companies, they write off everything.
    Jerry: You don't even know what a write off is.
    Kramer: Do you?
    Jerry: No. I don't.
    Kramer: But they do. And they are the ones writing it off.

    Kramer: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.
    Jerry: Walk away?
    Kramer: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.
    Jerry: Isn't there a deductible?
    Kramer: All right, what is your deductible?
    Jerry: I don't know.
    Kramer: Yes, because they've already deducted it.
    Jerry: From what?
    Kramer: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See - you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.

    And finally:

    Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
    Jerry: Wow.
    George: You're Batman.
    Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
    Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
    Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.


    1. How about storing his own blood? and then messes up Jerry's car from the incident?

    2. thanks! Why don't we become partners? 50/50?